I am about to stun you. I hope you are prepared. For this will be like being tased, bro'.
Gamers, apparently, are no longer teenage boys with growing pains.
No, according to a study performed by Harris Interactive at the behest of Gamehouse--which seems to be a site where you can, well, game--more than half of online gamers are actually female.
Should you still be breathing, might I turn your attention to some further results of this analysis of more than 2,000 adults.
Women gamers have more sex than women non-gamers. Yes, by the vast margin of 5 percent (57 versus 52.)
Furthermore, these sexualized female online gamers actually have sex more often than sexualized non-gamers. (38 percent have sex at least once a week, beating down the non-gamers' 34 percent.)
Are you still with me? Is that post-defibrillator feeling strangely reassuring?
Then let me tell you that 74 percent of online gamers and 71 percent of their gaming-abstinent counterparts watch TV at least once a day.
This led Gamehouse's chief gamer, Matt Hulett, to offer one of the great sentences of this year, or any other: "Maybe if we all watched a little less TV and played more games online, we'd all be having a little more sex."
I am sure Dr. Ruth, the Mother Teresa of all things sexual, could not have put it better herself.
You will, no doubt, wish to go into the female gaming phenomenon in even greater detail. I can tell you that this survey concluded that more than half of lady gamers are in a serious relationship. (I am assuming that this meant with another human being.)
Apparently 70 percent of these relationship-laden ladies are actually happy in these relationships. Which might suggest that gaming is good for our society's fabric, if not for the fabric of your office chair.
But here's one sobering statistic that might make one of my favorite wives (not my own wife, you understand, but my favorite of my friends' wives) ponder. Jurana (not her real name) plays FarmVille and Mafia Wars until her eyes and fingers are the same shade of red.
How instructive, then, to learn from this study that the main reason given by women for their gaming habit is stress relief (61 percent), followed very closely by boredom (58 percent).
This confirms my theory that the vast majority of online gamers turn to them in order to turn away from the reality show that is the real world.
Might it be that the more they game, the more game they women are for other, more active pursuits? Or could it be that sex and gaming simply perform the very same emotional function for so many women?